Joel.. I know I shouldn't even be writing this, or maybe not even talking to you. I'm even starting to think I probably don't have the right to at all. But.. Please do not ignore anything I am about to say. It’ll sound like bullshit, I’ll tell you that, but I won’t mind as much about what or how you feel about me AFTER you’ve read all that I’m writing right now, than not having you read at all. Please read until the very end I beg you, please.. Just read it, and if you don’t change how you feel right now, then.. I won’t hold anything against you about how you feel about me period. It’ll hurt, but.. I truly believe I deserve it.

Everything I said was true, despite the fact that it may sound like an excuse/lie/fake/plea/anything and everything. And honestly, honestly.. I really did think you hated me while you were gone. I really did. I literally became insane, and I even cried about it countless amount of nights because I thought you were never going to call back. AND I MEAN NEVER. I never thought I was going to be able to hear your ringtone ring again.. I became obsessed, and crazy and annoying to all my friends (Which I still feel bad about). I even wrote lyrics and poems about you, I became really stupid about just you.. And if you really wanted to know, I didn't JUST hook up or started to date someone random or just simply out of the blue just because I met some random guy and thought he was hot or something. I really didn't. It wasn’t like that. Plus, he wasn’t my type physically/appearance-wise. And also, it’s just something I can’t do either.. There's a reason why I did go out with this guy. My main reason? I think if I really wanted to speak the truth, it's because you and him are soo alike.. It scared me when I heard his voice, because I thought it was you. I really was going to cry this one night because I thought it was your voice.. Only, it wasn’t. And I really did miss you so I.. I just saw him as you I guess. Do you remember me telling you that I had a friend who sounded JUST like you? Well, that's him. I basically replaced him with you if I really wanted to be blunt. But that's not just all. He was there for me when you couldn't and I don’t blame you.. I knew it was because he was closer distance-wise than you, even he said so, but I didn’t believe it until.. Well, let’s say after the phone call, hearing your voice after what seemed like forever. But that didn’t mean I didn’t force myself back. I did. I fought back my feelings in the beginning, because I knew that, that he wasn’t you and that one day I was going to be with you no matter how long it took. I knew that one day, it’d all change and we’d be happy; I know I would. But I couldn’t help myself. You were gone, and I was alone. I was scared, I became doubtful, I am weak, and I didn’t know what I felt about anyone anymore. I needed to be wanted, I wanted to be needed, and well.. He was there. I got tempted. He tempted me, but in the end, I made the choice. I risked the relationship to see what my heart says about this and about you, because honestly, by this time, my feelings were on the edge.

My heart couldn’t take the pain, it couldn’t take the distance we had, it was too hard because I’ve grown to love you more since the day I met you.. Or at least the first conversation we had.. 2-3 years ago. I became really lost and confused about how I felt about you and how you felt about me.. It was mostly about how you felt about me because, well.. Let’s just say I’m kind of stupid and I’m constantly worried that you’ll fall in love with someone else than me, because I’m.. I’m not that pretty and you’re amazing and.. I’m not. I was scared. REALLY scared. Plus, I never had any self-confidence to tell myself that you love me. Cause every time I did, I felt like I was instantly crushed down by something little or something stupid. Cause I swear, you bring my hopes so high up, when something little happens, I get jealous, and break down instantly. But now, I think I know why.. And I swear.. I don’t feel any sparks when I’m with him, than when I’m talking to you. Even on the phone with him, I don’t feel it much. He’s a really good friend, in the end, one of the few friends who I can rely on when shit happens in my life. He was only trying to help me out because I'd be.. Well, constantly complaining about how much I miss you and everything. I don't blame him for anything, because I am the one who replied yes. Sounds like bullshit, and like real total bullshit, but to me, I can’t lie to myself or to you. I REALLY CAN’T. If I could, I wouldn’t have even told you because.. Well, I just can’t do it. The truth was going to come out one way or another and I wanted to tell you sooner than having you to find out some other way. I didn’t want to accept this fact, but I guess I used him wishing it were you. I even told him that.. Almost all the time. And the thing is, he KNOWS almost everything about how I feel about you. He even admitted that, well, you were probably the one and only for me because I had a different glow in my face whenever I talked about you. He supported me about how I felt about you. And there was never a time when I talked to him and that you weren’t mentioned. I’d bring up about almost everything that came to mind that was about you. And also, I know how he feels about his ex-girlfriend. It’s kind of complicating, but he’s pretty much waiting for his ex-girlfriend. So.. It wasn’t all a nice feeling at all going out with him. I mean, physically, having someone there was really nice. Someone close. Someone to hug, kiss, and everything like couples do. It was nice. But it just didn’t.. Feel right. Cause every time I did, I’d pray to god I’d open my eyes and see you. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t the same. I didn’t get nervous because it wasn’t you I was kissing. I didn’t even get nervous at all throughout the relationship, for crying out loud.

So why did I say yes to him when he asked like the.. 3^rd or 4^th time? Because you were my perfect ideal lover for eternity, but he seemed the guy that would be the nice ideal first boyfriend to show me what it’s like to just.. Simply have a boyfriend. But now, I know my thought was wrong. Because hearing you.. Made me happier than anything else in this world. My heart nearly.. NEARLY stopped hearing your voice. And it hurt.. It hurts so much. Because I FINALLY realized what he meant when he said, “Do what your heart tells you to do”, and instantly, I just knew.. I'm still in love you no matter what I've done or how much time has passed. I’ve always loved you and I forever will, but I never had the belief that you really felt the same way about me, and I realized.. That you mean so much more to me. And now, the curiosity got the best of me. I tried, I tested my feelings, and now here I am. I’m giving you my all, I’m risking everything, knowing that you’ll probably still hate me or a high possibility you’ll get annoyed by this long thing I’m writing. But now, I fucked it up again. I've always thought it was stupid to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness to win you back, but.. I don’t care anymore. For you, I’m on my knees, I’m begging you for everything, and I’m asking for forgiveness even though, my negative side is telling me that I’ll only make things worse, but I don’t care. And as much as I hate saying sorry because it sounds like bull, I want and need to say, I’m really sorry. I won’t lie, I knew this was going to hurt you and I still chose this way to really test how I felt because I was lost and confused. I really want you to know how I felt throughout this whole time. I needed something to reassure myself I'm loved. And honestly, I’m pretty damn scared about everything right now, but I’m willing to do anything and everything, to make things better. And if this didn’t, then I’ll keep trying until it is.

Because honestly, you’re the only one I’d try to hold on to and want to be with when the world ends.. Cause you’re just someone I can NEVER forget about. No matter how hard I try and live my life, I can NEVER find anyone better or be fine with anyone else.. You’ll always be the one in my heart, and you’ll always be the one to have my heart. Destroy it or keep it, my feelings for you will NEVER change negatively, they’ll only grow more and more for you. I’ll always love you.. Even if you stopped loving me. And I don’t know about you now, but.. I can’t imagine having anyone else’s babies other than yours. I’ve grown to believe that, and I always will. You are basically the future I wish for every night.. And I’m really sorry for hurting you in every way. But this is all that I got left..

I thought I heard your heart beating.
Maybe it was just the clock ticking.

I thought I heard your heart breaking.
Maybe it was just my feelings for you.

Yeah, I don't think I can find anyone better than you.
I'm really sorry,

I like you.